when god made you

Looking forward....

It just hit me, that there is only less than two months before the year ends. I started 2011 with full of Hopes and very much anticipating for something good to happen… Though I started the year without a job but I was still looking forward to it. You ask why? Well, maybe because I am no longer stressed out like I used to. And my relationship with my mother has greatly improved. Would you believe that most of my life I never heard my mom says “I Love You” to me? Hard to imagine huh? Well, we were never close, as I was brought up by my grandparents.

I’m what you can call a “grandfather’s pet” and proud of it. If you check my birth certificate you will see that it’s my grandparents who are listed as my adoptive parents. I grew up with them, I was spoiled rotten. There was never a time I wasn’t able to get what I want. I’m what you can call a “BRAT” and I loved it.

But when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer, that’s when I realized their value. Don’t get me wrong I have always loved my grandparents, but I always took it for granted that they would always be there for me. The thought of loosing them has never entered my mind.

But reality has a way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it. For the first time I started feeling helpless. After 8 months of battling cancer my grandfather lost the fight. I can still clearly remember what happened. We brought “Lolo” (it means grandfather in Filipino) to the emergency room as we feared something bad had happened. When we got there, we were told by the doctors that he had a cardiac arrest sometime at night and that his aneurism had exploded. After more than an hour of trying to revive him, the doctor informed us that he was already brain dead. It was left to me to inform everyone in the family about “Lolo’s” condition. I first called my mom, then my uncle. Then accompanied my “Lolo” to the morgue…. That’s when it HIT me….He is gone…My dear Lolo is gone...He was my strength… my conscience…. and my will… For the first time in my Life I feel lost…. I am unsure of my Future….

After that everything seems to go downhill… Like I am a top that is loosing control…I just keep spinning and spinning without any direction in mind…

But with all things that had happened, I learned how to stand on my own two feet. I learned how to be an adult. For the first time in my life I got a job. I mean a real job and I became worried about our financial status. I used to not care about such things. But then I was force to grow up. I had to remind myself that I have a daughter to raise. At the same time I felt cheated because I haven’t had enough fun as a young adult.

I was still lucky compared to other people, I have my mom to fall back on. No matter how many times I fell my mom was always there to assist me. She was just there in case I needed her. She was just watching on the side-line, making sure I can do it on my own.

Right now, I have no idea what the New Year will bring. Will it be better than this year? I pray to God it is. This year wasn’t so bad. It’s more on self discoveries for me. I had learned a lot about myself. I was faced with some circumstances that had made me into a better person. I came face to face with myself. And looking at my reflection, I can say I like this new ME. I know more about my strength and my weaknesses. I have a better understanding about who I AM and what I can do. With every mistake made I learned something from it. Though some mistakes tend to take longer to sink in, but I am getting there.

I am happier. I have new goals in my Life, though I am still asking God if that is where I am supposed to be.

I will be facing this New Year head-on… I am excited and at the same time a little scared of the unknown. I’ve always hated surprises… but I know Life isn’t like a book or a movie that I can turn the pages or skip some scenes to find out what will happen in the end. I have to bear it out like everyone else…

So I say…BRING IT ON…. ^_^

Just breathe….

What is wrong with me? I thought I was over this. But how come I am still so affected. Is this just my ego reacting? Or is this more than that? I hate this relapse, I seem to have one in a while. I wish memories are like computer hard drives wherein I can do a reformat. Delete everything that would remind me of Him. I saw this one episode on House MD, wherein the guy was so in-love with this woman but the woman was in-love with the guy’s brother, and every time the guy would see the woman he would have a heart attack. He was literally dying of a broken heart. So what he did was he had an operation to totally remove the woman from his memories, but the downside is he won’t be able to remember a lot of things that had happened to his life. But it was something he was willing to risk.

What pisses me off what, there I was minding my own business. I was happy being single. Happy with the way things are happening on both my personal life and career. When suddenly he came in to my life. He started being sweet on me, started flirting. He made me fall in love with him. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I guess I was just a diversion for him. As someone take his mind off the pain he was feeling, the loneliness. 

I should be over Him as it been months. But for some reason there is still some left over feeling that had stayed buried and now they are trying to resurface.

A friend of mine said to me, reason why I am being affected like this was because I still feel something for him and I am trying to fool myself in believing I was over him. I guess he was right. I need to accept the fact that it’s not just my ego that has been bruised with the ordeal, and why I am like this, but it’s because I still feel something for him.

Right now I have to figure out on how I can totally forget…I wish it was that easy…but for me, getting over someone is not a easy feet. I always struggle. And right now I am at war with myself…in this war I have to be the one that comes out as the winner.

Retreat for now so I can regroup…..and soon….We will know….this has to end soon…

Life’s Irony…

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder about the irony of Life. One minute you’re so close and the next you barely talking to each other.After the hi and the hellos, suddenly you don't know what else to talk about. While just months before you never ran out of things to say to each other. 

Its funny how in a snap of a finger one would become strangers to one another. You never expected that when you started your "friendship" that it would come to this. I find it sad really. Its like even the friendship no longer exist. There are a lot of awkwardness between the two of you. But you don't know how to bridge the gap. Maybe its there for a reason. But for now we can only guess, but never assume. 

You would wonder if it would ever go back to what it was before. But you would then ask yourself, what was there before? Was it really friendship? Or is it the result of loneliness. You can only answer half of the question as you would never know what's on the other person's mind. 

Is it better this way? What was the main purpose for your path to crossed? Who gained? And who lost? Or is it one of Life's unanswered question.

But whatever it was...only time can tell....