ME :)

Happy Happy Bithday Mom :)

Happy Birthday Mommy. One more year and you’ll get the discount card you’ve wanted heehee :D  

I know we’ve had our differences; our mother-daughter relationship isn’t perfect and we’ve had gone through a lot. And I know there were those times that you were so mad at me because I was too stubborn. I know there were times you think I don’t appreciate the things you’ve done for me. And that I wasn’t sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused you. But I am. I am very much thankful for all those things that you’ve done not only for me but for Angela as well.  And I deeply regret some of the wrong decisions that I have made.   I am very sorry for all the heartache and disappointments that I have caused you.  I just can’t seem to say those words in person. Maybe because I feel that there aren’t enough. But don’t every think I am not sorry.

With all of the things that had happened this past few years. I was asking myself, if those didn’t happen would our relationship be any different? Would we be any closer to each other? Or would the distance remain the same. Because right now, I can feel that we are closer. I can still remember the first time I’ve heard you said the words “I love you” to me, that was May 18, 2009. It was mother’s day and I was so broken hearted that day and you called from Singapore to find out how I was doing. I was so happy that day even if my heart was broken into pieces. But then I did something you didn’t approve of. And our relationship was more strained than ever. I know I have to wait for you to forgive me again. It took time. I can’t say I blame you. Then once again I got heartbroken and once again you were there for me. Though our relationship is still strained, but little by little it was getting better.  And despite all the trouble and heartache I have given you, you never stop giving.  And when you had to go to Angola to be with daddy, that’s when our relationship has gotten better.  Little by little. That’s when we started saying “I love you” to each other. And when you got back from Angola, that when I felt the closeness. Though I know we still have a lot to work on. And our new closeness is still fragile. But I am very hopeful that in time we will have the mother-daughter relationship that I have always dreamed of.

I used to envy my friends because of the closeness that they have with their mothers because we were never that close. 

I know someday we would get there.

And you’ve always asked us, your children who will do the same thing that you have done for Lola. Like bring her to the mall every Sunday. I would do that for you, Mom. I would bring you to the mall each Sunday and even change your diaper and give you a bath. ^_^

I may not show it, but I love you Mom, I am Blessed to you have you for a mother. Thank you for everything.

Realization

Right know I am more aware of my flaws. Noticed its plural? Well it’s because I have two. *chin rolling her eyes* Yes, not just one but two. The first one is I am too impulsive. *shaking my head* Always been impulsive but I wasn’t aware of it before. Not like I am now. *sigh* and it has always landed me into trouble. And some of those are irreparable. And I don’t have a choice but to live with the consequences of those actions. Second is I’m too impatient. If there are some things I needed to know, I just got to know the answers right away. I can’t wait. Hence, it would land me in trouble once again.

I have to learn to control those flaws of mine. I’m constantly reminding myself. That if there are some things I needed to know or do, I have to think about it carefully. Look at it in all angles, and not to just jump into it. And it’s not easy controlling one’s emotions, it’s tough, but one has to do it. I have to do it.

And that is why I have created this blog. I am discovering thing I never knew about myself. It’s like being reborn. I am now more aware of my capabilities and my strength, especially my flaws and weakness...

Looking forward to Life. :)

Sanguine….

Ever since I wrote my first entry, I’ve never felt this free. And right now, I am looking forward to everything. Oh I’ve experienced the disappointment I was dreading, but it’s not painful. Just the opposite, I guess it’s because I have set myself free. Free from the unknown, no more being in limbo and free from expectation. Though I was sadden with answer but I guess I was already expecting it.

And right now I am concentrating more of “ME”. Some people might perceive it as too vain or too selfish. But I don’t see it that way, I am getting to know more about myself. Like the saying goes “Love yourself, for if you don't, how can you expect anybody else to love you?".

With this I have to think things through, with every decision I have to make in my life. I have to make sure I am not selling myself short or settling for something less than what I deserve. I guess I am at that age that I just got tired of playing by someone else’s rule. Like in the song “Defying Gravity” from the Broadway show, Wicked.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

That part of the song sums up what I am feeling right now, and to trust God not just my instinct. Oh, and not to leap this time, been doing that for ages.

And so we come as to how I chose the title of this entry, “Sanguine” it means cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident. And that’s what I am feeling right now. I am looking forward to my future. It’s like I know something wonderful is about to happen. God doesn’t want to reveal it to me yet. He’s teaching me a lesson, a lesson on how to overcome my flaws.

Can’t wait, and for the first time I am so excited of the unknown.