Life...

I just found out this afternoon that a girlfriend of a former colleague has committed suicide last year, and it all happened few days or a week before Valentine’s Day.

When I started reading her wall, my tears started to fall. This was the first time I’ve known someone who took their own life because she had her heart broken. From the messages that was posted on the wall by her friends and family. She was a good mother and a great friend. I have only known her for a few months. And she looks like someone who was strong enough. But I guess, she just couldn’t take it anymore and felt she had to end it.

In my previous entry I said something about burning some bridges. That colleague of mine was one of them. I didn’t have any happy memories in that company and I felt that we weren’t really friends, just colleagues. I was thinking of renewing, whatever we had…which I am not sure, because I know I can’t consider him as a friend. I was thinking of sending him a message and adding him as a friend, but I stopped myself. I don’t think it’s time to rebuild some of those bridges, so for now, it lay untouched.  For how long? I do not know, maybe forever. 

Reflections

My thoughts had kept me wide awake most of the night. For the past 24 hours, I’ve done nothing but think. Thinking of the things that could have been and what may come. I really don’t know what triggered this “reflection” in me. I’m constantly at war with myself, and its taking its toll on me. And for the first time I feel my age. I’ve asked myself, “What brought this on?”

It might be because, people I know are dying. In the past couple of months two people I’ve known had passed on and one of them is a very dear friend of mine. People’s comments are they are just too young. And that made me realize my own mortality. I have often told people I know that I don’t want to ask myself the question years from now, “what if?”

I have made a lot of wrong decisions in my life, and these aren’t just about love or family but also about my career.

Some bridges that I have burned, and now I ask myself was I wrong to cut ties with those people? Or should I have maintained some level of connection throughout the years. Can one repair a broken bridge? Like those bridges that have been left to fall to pieces as time passes by. Should I even try to repair them? Or do I just leave things as they are?

With all these thoughts running through my head, I came up with my decision. I have decided not to waste time. What’s the worst that could happen? I get turned down? I get my heart broken once again? So what if I get my heart broken once again, I can always pick up the pieces. I have done so in the past and I can do it again. We only live once. So why waste time procrastinating.

I know I would never stop asking myself the same question over and over. No matter what choice I make, I know I would still be asking myself “What if”. Because when a person is faced with a decision, there is always that nagging feeling inside of you. That feeling that would question your decision. And we can only choose one, Life is not like one of those books that let you decide what happens to the character and if you did not like the outcome you can always go back and choose the other option. I wish life was like that, but it isn’t. We get to only choose one. We just hope and pray that the choice you made is the right one.

With the death of a friend, I am more aware that time is too precious to waste. That anything is possible, that in a snap of a finger things can change, a life can be taken away. Those changes might make us happier or leave us in pain. But we will never know, will we, unless we try. Unless we take that step. For some it would be a huge step because it might mean fighting the odds or leaving their comfort zones. For me, I’m up for it. Though one can never be ready for disappointments, no matter how you try to prepare yourself. But I have to try. And beside I believe in Karma. What goes around comes around.

So, I’ll be taking that step, and leave everything else to God.

What if…

My life has been plague with “What if”. As tears falls, I kept asking myself…”what if I saw that last status that he made? Would things turned out differently? Would I bug him to go see a doctor? Would he still be alive today? I guess I would never know, would I? I’ve been putting off seeing him, thinking that I would have the time in the world. But how wrong I was, no matter how many times I've asked myself “what if?” thing wouldn’t change. What happened has already happened. He’s gone and I cannot see him again. Hear his voice. Feel his presence. And as they say, regret always happens at the end.

And while I am mad at myself for not taking the time to get in touch with a dear before it was too late. I’m annoyed with myself for telling myself that years from now, I wouldn’t want to ask myself that question and so I kept giving chances to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Thinking that it would be different that 2nd time around. Boy was I wrong. Right now I cannot say I’ve made the right decision. Would I have been happier if I didn’t give him a second chance? Or would I keep asking myself what if?

And then I read the other day on one of those Quotation Pages, it said “Tell that one person that you like them, what's the worst that can happen? He doesn't like you back? So? Laugh & move on or he may fall in love with your confidence? “

The way I see it that’s not the worse that can happen. My fear is that He would pretend to like you too and be taken for a ride. I guess that the jaded side of me talking. So when you like someone, do you tell the person? Or do you just wait for that person to realize they like you too? But what if both of you are just waiting on each other? What then? How long do you wait? What if no one has the courage to say something? Do you go on waiting?

Life use to be so simple. Now everything is so complicated.

When a girl makes the first move, there is that dread that others would see her as easy. And I am not the type of gal who would just wait on the sideline. If I want something I go for it. And people mistake that for something else. It is sad really, because society dictates what we should do. So you start to doubt yourself. You feel torn, who do you follow? Do you follow what you feel? Or you follow what society deemed as right? Or do you just flip a coin in the air? So many questions and no one seems to know the answer. And it makes you afraid because you don’t know what to do. You don’t know what choice to make because in the end whatever you choose you would always have that one question….

WHAT IF….

Random thoughts about Love and Myself…

It seems that a lot of people I know are either breaking up or getting separated. Or currently having problems in their relationships. I know I've been burned twice and in some ways it made me cynical. Cynical but still gullible (if there is such a person, I guess it would be me)

Though right now God is not giving any signs of who that person might be, no matter how much I bug him with my question. God is telling me to wait, but because my greatest flaw is being impatient, I cannot wait. I just have to know. I even asked God if I would get to meet him before the year ends, or if I have already met him. Still, he won’t tell me. I just hope I don’t fall again for the wrong guy once more and hopefully I don’t misunderstand his signs once again, like what happened the last time.

I want what my grandparents had and what my parents have. My grandparents were married for 54 years. Though it aint perfect, there were times they would fight. (But there is no perfect marriage.) I even remember the time when my grandmother walked out on us. I don’t remember what the reason behind it. I was just 5 years old, I think. My grandfather had to go and woo her to come back home, and the excuse he used was Me. LoL. He said that there wouldn’t be anyone who would look after me while he goes out and earn a living. :) I had a feeling that my grandmother just wanted my grandfather to woo her.

My grandfather would sometime tease my grandmother and would try to tickle her and my Lola (it means grandmother in Filipino) would slap my Lolo’s (grandfather) hand away at the same time scolding at my Lolo “Stop it Joe”. That’s what he calls my Lolo “Joe”; I’ve asked her about that because that’s not my Lolo’s nickname. My Lolo’s nick was Ando it was short for Felizardo. My Lola would call my Lolo “Joe” and she said it’s her endearment for my Lolo, like dear or Hon for other people.

My parents have the same kind of relationship. Whenever I would see them teases each other. It makes me smile and wish that when I get married I would I have the same closeness that they have. When Dad would tease Mom, my Mom would smile and give my father a playful slap on his arm or shoulder while saying “oh, Daddy” and Dad would respond “hehehe”.

Again it’s not perfect but no marriage is or relationship is for that matter. Everyday couples have to work hard to make it work.

But I’m still thankful for what had happened to me for the past several years. Those experiences have thought me a lot. It made me stronger. And it made me closer to my Mom. As they say, everything happens for a reason. No matter how down I was, or when I felt I was all alone. Those years are the darkest years of my Life. I guess that’s when I hit rock bottom. But despite that my Faith with God has never wavered.

I’m thankful every day for all the Blessing I receive like my job, my health, my daughter, my family and friends.

Even just catching the bus on time, I would send a prayer of thanks. :)