Another Year...

Well its been another year and what a year that was. Looking back on this exact date, I can honestly say I prefer this year. Last year was so stressful for me. Not just with my work but as well as with my personal life. I was in a state of confusion then. Having mixed emotions. Well this year there were less drama, and what makes this birthday very different from last year? Well this was my first birthday that I've celebrated with my family after over a decade of being estranged with them. And it felt good. It also made me realize that I would never again jeopardize my relationship with my family over a man. I dont want to go through that again. Its kind of bittersweet because it took me this long to realize it. I love the new found closeness that me and my mom have, I wouldn't exchange that for the world.

My Ephiphany

Yeah it took me a while but I think it finally sank in. I finally get it. Its bittersweet but one must accept things. And i promised myself I'm not going to make the same mistake I did before. I no longer believe in "Closure". If the other person just seem to not care. Then I'll leave it at that. I've learned my lesson.

Acceptance

Knowing what will happen is not enough to prepare oneself for it. I admit I was hurt and disappointed. I still cant figure out what happened between us. From being so close that we basically know what each others thought to not talking at all. And it just happened in a snap of a finger. Obviously our friendship doesnt mean anything to you. I have done everything I can to repair the friendship but its you who keeps pushing me away. I dont even know what I have done to merit such treatment from you. But one thing for sure, I am not gonna keep on chasing you. You were the one who ended the friendship. I am fine with that. In time I will be able to forget you totally. Its a slow process but I just need is time.

Farewell?

I've been fooling myself too long. I know I should stop. I thought you value our friendship the same as I've always valued it. I guess I was wrong. I have expected too much from you. I really don't how to go from here. But one thing for certain I have to let go and move on.

Thank you. I wish you well.

I miss you...

I wonder if it will be the way it was.

I may smile and laugh but when you told me bluntly how you feel. It was lie a knife stabbing me. Never would have I thought it would come to this.

I miss you… I miss you a lot… I miss our laughter, our time together and most especially I miss your friendship…

I cant say if you were teasing when I asked you jokingly if you have missed me and you flat-out answered “NO”

I still cant wrapped my head around it

I totally lost you…haven’t I?

Dishearten....

So we come to this? Do I burn the bridge? I bet you wouldn’t even notice. But at this point, I think what I should do is what’s best for ME. No apology from you, I guess I was wrong about then. Well, it aint the first time I was wrong about a person. And sad to say people just keeps on disappointing me right now. I guess I was spoiled by my friends, that they are the ones who make an effort to patch things up. And I guess it was wrong for me to expect the same thing from you. I can feel reality laughing at me right now. Reality reminded me that we aren’t really friends but colleagues. Yes, I just realized that now, you were never my friend, it was just me deluding myself into thinking we were. There were so many things that I turned blind eye on. So many things that was telling but I just ignored it. And so yeah “Reality” is enjoying her moment right now, laughing so hard that tears are running down her cheeks. I shouldn’t feel this bad, as you were not the first person to disappoint me. But how come I feel like crying. Honestly I am so hurt right now, its like being punch in the gut that leaves one reeling. People would say, its okay, let him be, but I’m not that kind of a person. I want to scream at you, shout at you, hit you because you were the last person I expected to be disappointed with.

I wonder when will I learn. I should be an expert right now in this type of thing. I should be more wary of people instead of giving my absolute trust. Yes, I can say in some ways I’m already cynical, but I guess not enough. Because I was still caught of guard. I’m more disappointed in myself, I’m more pissed off at myself for letting you get close to me.

“When will you learn?” I asked myself… “Don’t you think its enough? Why do you still let people get close to you?

I think these are those times when I just like to work from home. It would mean you wouldn’t meet new people, hence less disappointments and the chances of one getting hurt are very slim, almost zero.

I think its time for me to start building walls around myself.

Right now, with this pain…I just want to shut down…I’m suddenly very tired….everything is taking its toll on me… I never thought I would feel this pain again….last time I felt it was last year and around the same month…

I just want to rest…disappear for a while…only for a while…until I am fully healed….

I know I shouldn’t have come to work today…I should have listened to my inner self….

Vanity

For some people i think this would be too much. They'd say I'm too vain. But for me. Its just loving myself. There is nothing wrong with loving oneself. I do know i have flaws. I'm not perfect. Nobody is.

Being thankful and Re-Gaining Oneself

As each day passes by it makes me wonder and realized how truly BLESSED I am with the friends like I have. They keep me grounded and they’re the ones that keep me sane in this chaotic world of mine. But that doesn’t mean they won’t hesitate to remind or stop me from doing things I might later regret. 


They have always helped me see reasons, reason that I wasn’t able to see because my judgment is clouded by anger, pain and sometimes frustration about certain situations. 


People often wondered where I get my strength. My ability to bounce back from every tumble I take. And how can I remain calm even if my world is crushing down and everything seems to be falling apart. Or where do I get my confidence to face every challenges that I meet. The way other people or even friends sees me is that nothing seems to faze me. 


Well I do have insecurities and doubts like the next person, but it’s not in my nature to let people know about it. I tend to keep it to myself, I don’t see the need for others to know. Letting people know about it is like baring my soul, you’re left naked and vulnerable.


And yes, I am confident about myself. I know I can accomplish a lot if I put my mind into it but the real reason I have all these confidence in me is because I know God is always there. He has never left my side and to help me out he sent me these people around me, some of them I have known all my life, these are my FRIENDS and my FAMILY. They are the Blessings that God has given me.

Right now everything seems to be falling into place. I’m finding out reasons behind all those mistakes I have made in the past. Though I don’t regret any of them, but I can proudly say I will be not this version of ME if not for those experiences. Yes, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past. But each and every one of those mistakes I have learned, not just in what to avoid but the most important is with each and every mistakes I've made I have uncovered something about myself as well. 


I know myself better, and it was a long process for me. Were they it worth it? Going through all those pains, frustration, anger, sorrow, bitterness and betrayal, I can honestly say, yes they are. Though at that time, I wasn’t sure. I would be a hypocrite if I said I never felt like giving up, I mean come on I’m only human. There would be times I feel like giving up, but in the end I was able to overcome that particular emotion and maintain some level of sanity.


I became aware that when reality bites you in the ass it doesn't just take a nip at you, but rather it takes a big chunk...and suddenly understanding hit you hard...so hard it leaves you gasping and you have no other choice but to stop for you to be able to catch your breath...but when the ripples are no more...when everything is still….it make you see things clearly...so clear that it leaves no room for doubt...


From there you pick up the pieces…and you make progress…You now have NOT only a better understanding of yourself, but as well as what you must do… and more importantly you have regained YOU!

Why settle for something less….

I learned today that some women would take crap from men that they are in relationship with because either they see that man as their ticket out or that they think he is the only chance they have for a romance. And that is quite sad really, because if the man really does LOVE you he would NOT have flirted with other women while he is in a relationship with you.

An engagement ring doesn’t guarantee a “happily ever after” nor a marriage or having kids. And don’t tell me it’s a moment of weakness thing?! That’s not a license for a man to fool around. And if he has done it not just once, twice but three times, shouldn’t your alarm bell go off? And how sure are you that he is not doing it again wherever he is? What assurance do you have that it will not happen for the fourth time? Should you really take that chance? Bear in mind that you have forgiven him once, and if you will forgive him again don’t you think it’s telling him that he can do it again because you are liable to forgive him anyway?

Ask yourself when will the vicious cycle end? When will enough be enough? Shouldn’t you think about yourself? Because every time you forgive him you lose a piece of yourself. Or would you rather wait 5 – 10 years from now to realize the mistake you’ve made when you forgave him.

It’s not the end of the world if you rather chose to be single. If you asked me, I rather be single than be in a relationship built on lies. Remember those kinds of relationship doesn’t last, it’s bound to fail sooner or later.

For your sake I hope I am wrong.

He is not the only man who will fall for you. Why should you settle for less when you can have more?

But then again…that’s your life…