Pretense

It came to me on how many of us here keep a pretense. People tend to build an image of what they want others to see or perceive them. They make up stories about their lives. Make them into something that they are not. That’s what I cannot understand, because I am a kind of what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of girl. I don’t believe in making up stories just for other people to like me. I mean yeah, you would get disappointed on how others treat you. But at least I am being true to myself. And I don’t have to keep on remembering about stories I told. Right now you are enjoying the benefit of your lies, you made yourself look good to other, then what? And what happens if people find out the truth? Wouldn’t that be more embarrassing? Is the 15 minutes of fame worth a lifetime of shame? For me it isn’t. So what if they cannot accept you for who you are. So what, it just means they aren’t worth your time and energy.

One should love unconditionally. Love shouldn’t be a passing-fancy. When you love someone, you make a decision right there and then to love the person no matter what. You love them despite of not inspite of.

One thing I’ve noticed as well in the relationships around me is that, people doesn’t take the time to work out their differences. Some, as soon as they encountered a road-block they bail out on their partners. They don’t bother working out their problems. I highly disagree with that. A Relationship is a work in progress. If you notice the flame is dying, then you find ways to rekindle that so called flame. But what I notice is people are just content in moving on to the next. This is sad, and there is no assurance that the same thing will not happen again.

That is why for me it is very important that there shouldn’t be any pretentions. Show people who you really are. If they like you, that’s nice, but if they don’t, then it’s their lost not yours. At least you were true to yourself. You didn’t need to pretend...

Letting you go....

I have to stop this, because I have realized my anger is taking hold of me. It’s consuming me every waking hour. And you are not worth this aggravation. I am way better than this, but you know what you have thought me a lot. Now I am better at controlling my emotions. And because of you I’ve learn when to say enough. As one of my friend has told me, every mistake I’ve made in my life there will always be something that I have learned from it. With you, I’ve learned to put my feelings and thoughts in writing. I’ve learn how to appreciate myself more. And most important of all is I have learned to control my emotions.

I have learned long time ago that we could never be, its just my ego wont accept it. But now, my heart and my mind are in harmony. I may not have forgiven you yet, but I have forgiven myself for being foolish. Don’t you worry, time will come that I will be able to forgive you as well. For now I don’t think we could be friends.

I still don’t understand you, I doubt if you even understood yourself. I wish you luck on that, I really do.

And this will be my last entry on my blog about you…

More confuse than ever...

I’m once again having mixed emotions. I thought I was way over him. But how come I am affected of what’s happening. I don’t understand any of these. He’s making it like I’ve done something grave. I though it women who are hard to understand? So how come I can’t understand him. I don’t know what he is after. Saving his ego perchance? Making himself look good? I really don’t know. He turned me down, no naturally I tried to move on, tried overcoming my feeling for him. But that’s not how he sees it. Since I am being honest with myself, yes I am so hurt, I am so affected with what’s going on right now.

I don’t understand why some people would make the other person look bad just so they can look good. I didn’t do anything to deserve to be portrayed as a psycho or an obsessed woman. Yes I ranted and raved on my wall, but it’s my wall, I can do whatever I want to do with it, post anything I want to post. I did it because I didn’t know how to express my feelings, I was so badly hurt that time. I felt like I was used. Everything was happening so fast. We used to talk everyday, every single day. You always let me know of your plans even without me asking you. As soon as you come home from work you go online and message me. Even when you’re at work you would take time to say hi. Not only that, even when you didn’t have access to Facebook or gtalk because you were out of town, you would take the time to say hi. But then all of the sudden you stopped. And your excuse was, you were so busy. But I know that there is more to that. I can feel it, there is something going that you were not telling me. Yes, I know we don’t have a relationship. I would be a hypocrite to say if I wasn’t hoping. But I understand your situation as well, that is why I wasn’t pressuring you or even bringing up the situation that we were in.

What’s left for me after that? Nothing except try to move on. I tried to enjoy my time with friends. I try not to think too much that you rejected me. I try to find joy in every little thing around me. Even corny jokes on Facebook and twitter. And not all of those are about you. Yes I admit some of them are about my feelings for you. But most of them are for my friends, and whatever they are going through at the moment.

Don’t take it against me when I didn’t respond to your messages like I would normally do. It was because I was trying to distance myself from you. I didn’t want to fall further. It took a lot of thinking on my end when I sent you that message to say that I almost fell for you. Actually that aint true, I already fell for you.

I don’t normally do that, tell the person how I feel. But I had to do it as its eating me up. I don’t want to keep on wondering. With that, admitting to you how I felt, it helped me a lot, it had somehow set me free. I no longer had to wonder where I stood. You flat out told me that we could never be. I accepted that. And moved on, I just charge it to experience.

I thought after that everything would be better. But it didn’t, you just confused me more…. When will this end? Its like we have a silent battle between us…

Sigh…

Maybe someday… I don’t know…. Anything can happen… I wish you well…

Just do it

My new motto for my life is JUST DO IT!!!

Just do whatever it is I need to do! What I need to do is JUST DO IT!!!! Being angry with myself doesn’t change ANYTHING unless I make it work for me instead of against me!!!!

To me 'Just Do it!" reminds me to JUST DO IT! Dont think... just do it, whatever the 'it' might be!

I want this to become an automatic thought in my head by hearing it all the time.

It needs to be the automatic response that speaks to me when I have an objection in my mind to something that I should just do.

I should get out and exercise, I should drink water, I should eat healthy, I should have good boundaries, I should respect myself….

These are all things that I do but I don’t do them consistently enough and that is what I need consistency!

I am going to be saying this to myself in regards to the things I struggle with... if something is hard to do and I need to do it then

Do the hard thing! Just do it, make it happen make the breakthrough!

So come on JUST DO IT!!!

~Cam Richmond~